Longing for home

I went to bed last night thinking about how much I miss bridges. I grew up in New Jersey and New York where there are many long spanning bridges; we have none in San Antonio. It’s one of the things I miss most about not living on the East Coast anymore. For some reason last night it really bothered me and I went to bed wanting to move.

One World Trade CenterSometimes I have an intense feeling of needing to be in a bigger city. I would love to be able to walk everywhere that I need to go or take a train. I want to see tall buildings all around me and lots of bridges. I don’t function well feeling like I am stuck in the suburbs. But I know that we can’t move.

I have lived here for about 12 years and I still don’t feel like this is my home; I keep expecting to move to NY. I have always thought that I would raise my family on the East Coast and part of me is upset that this is not happening.

Although my son is only 9 years old I think about what life will be like when he goes off to college. I want him to go to school in New York City so that I can have an excuse to get an apartment there. I will be really crushed if he wants to stay in Texas. The truth is you can long to live somewhere but it may never become a reality because of work. This is the rude awakening that comes with being an adult.

What makes everything worse is that over the last 15 years my family has slowly moved out of NYC. First it was my in-laws, then my brother and cousin. My sister was the last hold out, she left last spring. I always felt like The City was my home even though I never lived there as an adult. No matter where I lived I always came back to it and it made me feel recharged and grounded again. I visited my family as often as I could when they lived there, it was like my second home. Now that my sister has left The City I feel lost. I know my sister didn’t want to leave The City but it was the best decision for her family and I am happy for her.

Last summer my son and I went camping with my brother who lives on Long Island. My son and I stayed in Broxville, it was sort of like our home base. We ate at Lange’s Deli daily.

Lange's Deli

Lange’s Deli Bronxville New York

The food was good but I really went there because it made me feel happy to be around the guys who owned the deli. I loved to listen to their New York accents. The deli was a happy place for me.

I don’t want it to sound like I am miserable living here in San Antonio because I’m not. This is just how I am feeling right now so I am just going with it. I do follow my own advice. I realize that I associate where my younger sister lives with home. Although she is 3 years younger than me she kind of looks after me in a way. She is very motherly and comforting to us all now that I think about it. After she moved out of The City I felt confused about where home was.

Maybe it’s time for me to make San Antonio my home. I am really not sure how to do that but I discussed this with my sister and she had some pretty good ideas. I want to feel comfortable here and to embrace living in Texas. NYC will always have a special place in my heart and so will the East Coast. Perhaps if I really did move out of San Antonio I would miss it terribly.

 

 

  • love this post. so honest and true. i feel homesick for NYC every day, even though now my kids consider Marin their home

  • Neven, I can totally relate.  I have lived in Delaware for (dare I say) 14 years now and it’s still not my home.  I am and always will be a New Yorker.  I still visit often since my parents and many friends still live there.  I miss it more each time we get back in the car and drive home. 

    •  It’s nice that you still have family there Cheryl. I’m starting to think that almost every adult is homesick on some level.

  • I grew up in NY and miss it too. But each time we’ve moved away from San Antonio (thank you military moves), I’ve found that I miss it here too. After NY, San Antonio is the next homiest place I’ve lived. We need to band together and declare SA our new home!

    •  I want to that so much!